In this episode, host Lorie Jones welcomes the dynamic Vanessa Cardenas, CEO of UnderstandingEar.com. Vanessa shares her remarkable journey from managing a family business to founding her own company. She reveals how she overcame personal betrayals and professional challenges, linking them to valuable lessons in self-worth and leadership.
Get ready to be inspired by her strategies for fostering creativity, redefining success, and building a supportive community. Empower yourself with Vanessa’s motto: “Live your life by your own design, with purpose, on purpose.”
This is a conversation every growth-oriented professional woman won’t want to miss.
Show Highlights:
- Gain inspiring insights on rebuilding life past the pain of betrayal. [00:05:23]
- Limitless work as if you own the business vs. scaling back unpaid hours. [00:11:01]
- Explore coaching as your vehicle to unstoppable self-worth. [00:14:47]
- Do you listen to your inner voice as a woman? [00:18:38]
- What to do when toxic friction occurs from a mentor. [00:21:01]
- The importance of building a genuine support network. [00:23:32]
- Learn the art of intentionality in living by design. [00:28:55]
- How life-goal planning results in true self-care and creative stillness. [00:35:05]
- Why empathetic leadership from women to women matters. [00:39:44]
- Unlock your potential with fierce self-confidence. [00:42:42]
If you enjoyed this episode, please go to Apple Podcasts and leave a review! For more information about Lorie Jones, go to http://fearless-females.com/.
00:01.06
loriejones7
Good morning, fearless females. We have with us today Vanessa Cardenas. She is the CEO of Understanding Ear. And I've been, I was just telling her, I've been looking forward to this conversation for a while. I am so interested in what she has to say. I think you'll really find this discussion enlightening. So Vanessa, thank you so much for doing this for us. I appreciate it.
00:24.30
Vanessa Cardenas
Absolutely. It's completely my honor. Thank you so much the invite, we are going to have the most amazing conversation. ah I've been looking so forward to this as well.
00:37.58
loriejones7
So um the first question I always ask is is because i I am so interested. that I'm a reader. I love reading. What is your favorite book?
00:49.08
Vanessa Cardenas
oh My absolute favorite book is The Gift, The Gift by Edith Egger. 12 lessons for your life.
01:01.40
Vanessa Cardenas
And she was a Holocaust survivor. And she wrote about her time in the concentration camp from such a beautiful, grateful perspective that no matter the trials and tribulations you go through in your life, there is beauty on the other side.
01:07.96
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
01:22.32
Vanessa Cardenas
There is an opportunity to have a different perspective, to turn that kaleidoscope just one degree and the whole image changes. And it's all about your perspective and how you think of things. And I just found it so empowering for me.
01:42.79
loriejones7
i love that idea and i think that
01:43.23
Vanessa Cardenas
myself
01:45.19
loriejones7
um You can have joy in the journey as well. I'm sure she does. I'm putting that on my list. It's it's actually I've got a stack. So it's a little bit lower.
01:58.44
loriejones7
But, um, but I, I love that idea of like there's a joy in the journey and that that that that you can like not only that will you come out the other side hole and and intact and and happy, but that you can actually while you're going through it be
02:05.78
Vanessa Cardenas
emily
02:14.97
loriejones7
Find those pieces of joy.
02:18.78
Vanessa Cardenas
Just those moments. And then to make the effort to share it, to share your story. I know that Brene Brown says it so eloquently.
02:29.80
Vanessa Cardenas
but it's about your story. Your story becomes a survival guide for someone else. And this particular book I read when I was going through the betrayal recovery process. And I had, you talked about stacks of books. I had stacks of books specifically related to relationships and betrayal and breaking of trust and forgiveness. And this one book, not necessarily written for betrayal,
03:00.27
Vanessa Cardenas
was instrumental in my betrayal recovery because it offered hope. It offered a perspective that I needed at the time and now it's my go-to book whenever I feel that little
03:16.43
Vanessa Cardenas
apprehension starting to creep in, some a little self-doubt, maybe a little self-sabotage, maybe a little imposter syndrome. That's the book I gravitate to and I read a chapter and I feel, oh, I feel empowered. I feel ready to face whatever it is I need to face.
03:35.46
loriejones7
Oh, I love it. Well, I'm definitely putting it on my list. Thank you for the suggestion. So Vanessa, tell me a little bit about your journey. How did you get where you are today? Kind of what do you do? Just talk to us a little bit about that.
03:48.56
Vanessa Cardenas
Well, my journey started a really long time ago. Boy, it's been decades. Yes, I'm showing my age, but I started in a family owned business, not my family, but a family owned business and the dynamics in a family owned business are very different from corporate America.
03:59.37
loriejones7
but
04:11.21
Vanessa Cardenas
You're dealing with a lot of personal and professional issues besides the family dynamics. And that was really fascinating to me because as I went through college, I studied industrial psychology, which is the study of people at work. Well, I had a playground right in front of me because I was involved in a family owned business. And then I went from that to another family owned business, but this was more of an S Corp.
04:43.57
Vanessa Cardenas
So I had the opportunity of working my way up through the ranks, starting as a manager, then a director, then a vice president, and I got into the C-suite. Yes, I was the only non-family member in that C-suite.
05:03.82
Vanessa Cardenas
there were other women there, for which I was very grateful that there were other women. But that came with its own set of challenges. And we'll definitely discuss that as well. But what I also do is, because of a situation that happened in the middle of my career, I'm going to say, I developed my own company in the midst of all of that.
05:33.84
Vanessa Cardenas
Because what had happened for me was my husband of over two decades, who I loved madly, deeply, passionately, he said three words to me. I've met someone. And my world completely shattered. And I found myself on my bedroom floor, a mess. i had been It was so devastating to me and I couldn't understand why it was just gut-wrenching for me until I realized that it had been stacked on top of micro-betrayals that I had had throughout my entire life. These little things that we almost don't pay attention to or that others dismiss.
06:31.67
Vanessa Cardenas
For example, in grade school, I was best friends with Mary Jane. I loved Mary Jane. We were peas and carrots. We could do anything together. And one day I walked into class and Mary Jane looked at me with such disgust. I'm not your friend anymore. I'm friends with Christine. And I could not believe how I felt at that moment in time. And I went home in tears. And my mother, yes, my mother, who was a terrified teenager when she had me,
07:02.23
Vanessa Cardenas
wasn't equipped to answer that as best she could. And she dismissed it. Oh, you'll make other friends. So I thought, OK, I'll make other friends. And I just let that go. But that hurt was always within me. And all throughout my childhood and into my early 20s and into my career, I had those micro betrayals where I shared with a friend, a work colleague, an idea that I had.
07:28.84
Vanessa Cardenas
who then turned around and told the boss and either the boss loved the idea and suddenly it was their idea or the boss hated the idea and they pointed the finger. Oh, it was her idea.
07:41.15
Vanessa Cardenas
Oh, all those little itty bitty betrayals just stacked on top of this monumental betrayal from my husband that completely cracked me open. What did I step into? I stepped into my creativity, something that had been squashed for decades. And I realized with a lot of hard work and coaching to get through the betrayal recovery process,
08:08.71
Vanessa Cardenas
that I actually have a voice, that I have something to say. And I wrote a book in six weeks. I wrote the second book in eight weeks. I've been writing articles that have been published. I've been on stages sharing my story, empowering others to know that in the darkest moments, darkest moments where you feel shattered and broken and that you just can't go on that there is light, whether it starts as a pinhole in the distance where you can't even see it, but you see just a glimmer of light that it turns into the most beautiful scenery because you have stepped into who you were actually meant to be.
08:59.26
loriejones7
Oh, I love that, Vanessa. I love that thought of who you were actually meant to be. And, and I've seen that in my clients, ah um as they've come through this betrayal process that you're talking about, like, um they turn into um ah just an unrecognizable version of who they were.
09:20.39
Vanessa Cardenas
run
09:22.80
loriejones7
And I am like, I, in my heart of hearts, I am like, this is always who you were meant to be. you You just he needed a a little, ah you had to go through the pain to get there. I love that. Thank you.
09:37.37
Vanessa Cardenas
Yes, yep, absolutely. Now don't get me wrong. I don't wish betrayal on anyone. Absolutely not. It's the most devastating thing that you will go through without a doubt. It's in the top three. Without a doubt. But know this. First off, you're definitely not alone. Regrettably, you are not alone in your betrayal. It it regrettably happens quite often. And we're not even just talking about intimate partner betrayal.
10:06.32
Vanessa Cardenas
We're also talking about betrayal at work between business partners, between colleagues, between bosses and their team members. Betrayal happens everywhere. We just have to know what we're looking for, what we see. We need to set our boundaries and we need to know how to respond to what's going on around us. Not react. We tend to react out of emotion right away. And sometimes that emotion while important to go through, isn't quite appropriate at that moment. So we do need to learn how to respond to those situations that present themselves.
10:48.86
loriejones7
Tell me, Vanessa, what is the best investment you've made in yourself? If there's something that you can like look back on your journey and on your career path, and you know you you mentioned you were in C-suite, now you're CEO of your own company, but how is there something you can say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad I did that. If I hadn't, I don't think I'd be where I was today.
11:16.50
Vanessa Cardenas
it It ties in to the worst advice I ever got. The worst advice I ever got from a family member who I respected greatly was to work as if you own the business, that it's your business. Well, on the surface, that sounds great. Be a hard worker, treat it as if it's your own. In my particular case, I got lost.
11:43.61
Vanessa Cardenas
in this family business. I was there at the crack of dawn. I was the first one there, the last one to leave because I took that advice so seriously. But there came a point. There came a moment in time where the best investment I did in myself was to listen to that voice in my head.
12:05.91
Vanessa Cardenas
Not the one that criticizes you, the critical voice. No, no, no, no. no This is the one buried deep inside that every once in a while tells you something that's incredibly important. And you have to be ready and you have to listen to it and you have to go forward with that. And for me, in my particular case,
12:25.91
Vanessa Cardenas
because I had worked crackadon to the wee hours of the evening, sometimes six, seven days a week. Again, I was treating it as if it was my own business. My boss at the time had made a comment to me because I had asked, I had worked up enough courage to ask for a raise because I had been The good woman, I would wait for everybody else to get their raises, their annual raises, and I would get my raise and I'd be quiet about it, even though I felt that the raise, a raise, is indicative of your worth. Worst mistake to make, because your raise is not indicative of your worth.
13:09.58
Vanessa Cardenas
But I, that was my benchmark, that was my yardstick. And I would get my raise and I would swallow it and take it. Well, I finally worked up enough courage to ask for a raise. And I sat in my boss's office and I laid out all that I had done. It wasn't about me, it was what my contribution to the company. And he slammed his hand down on the table and he said, Vanessa, I'm not gonna pay you a penny more.
13:38.48
Vanessa Cardenas
And right in my head, loud as can be, well, I'm not going to work a minute more. And that was glorious for me. Absolutely glorious for me. And that was over a decade ago. And what that did for me was it cracked me open to know, do it for yourself.
14:02.80
Vanessa Cardenas
Do it for yourself. So when I went through betrayal with my husband and I realized I needed to share my story, I needed to develop my own company. I needed to work hard for my own company as if it is my company because not for nothing, it was. So all that extra time that I was putting into someone else's business was now being put into mine.
14:29.36
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
14:29.77
Vanessa Cardenas
Had he given me the raise that I asked for, I would still be burning the midnight oil from dawn to dusk every single day, because I would have taken that as validation of my hard work, and I would have worked even harder. But no, he said that to me, and this voice wasn't a nasty chick voice in my head. It was an a affirmative, well, I'm not going to work a minute more.
14:56.13
Vanessa Cardenas
And that was it. So, yes, that was the best investment that I made in myself was listening to myself, listening to what I want, what I need. Externally, the best investment that I made was definitely in coaching, getting coaches, asking and paying for that wonderful,
15:21.40
Vanessa Cardenas
advice, that wonderful mentorship, that wonderful opportunity to be able to bounce ideas off without judgment.
15:32.18
Vanessa Cardenas
Because when we ask our friends and our family, they have their spin on it.
15:32.11
loriejones7
so yeah.
15:38.08
Vanessa Cardenas
And it's a lot of judgment. Oh, you don't want to do that. You don't want to ruffle any feathers or anything like that. ah Yeah, you're going to need an outside perspective.
15:50.84
Vanessa Cardenas
Will you need to pay for that?
15:50.93
loriejones7
Mm.
15:51.94
Vanessa Cardenas
Of course, absolutely. It's part of development. But at least you get someone one on one, hopefully one on one, to be able to guide you, to be able to make those suggestions, to allow you to bounce off that idea, allow you to role play.
16:07.02
Vanessa Cardenas
Well, how are you going to ask for that raise? Are you going to be assertive? Are you going to sit down in that chair and be ah confident and state, this is what I've done for your company?
16:19.13
Vanessa Cardenas
Not, oh, well, you know the price of this is going up, and the price of this is going up, and the price of this is going up, so therefore I need a raise. No, it's not about you. You have to make it about the company.
16:27.67
loriejones7
no Yeah, yeah, i I love that. I actually spent a little bit of time um with one of my um team members and I was, I really hope Sam, my partner isn't listening to this because I'm just coaching her through exactly how to show her worth and ask and ask for a raise and be like, you know, like,
16:52.31
loriejones7
You know, look back over the things that you've accomplished and be, you know, come with, Hey, this is what I deserve. This is what I said, because if you don't ask, no one's going to give it to you. So, so I'm curious, Vanessa. Did you quit then? Did you quit that day? That is scary.
17:10.65
Vanessa Cardenas
Oh no, no, no, no, but I scaled back. Oh, big, huge difference from, you know, I left with everybody else. I was in the elevator with everybody else. I, you know, good morning.
17:21.36
Vanessa Cardenas
I was in the elevator with everybody else. I, I came in when they came in and I left when they left.
17:26.87
loriejones7
Uh huh.
17:27.54
Vanessa Cardenas
And what was, what was really interesting was that it, it really wasn't noticed.
17:27.55
loriejones7
any
17:34.18
loriejones7
Really?
17:35.04
Vanessa Cardenas
Yeah, which which led me to believe that they didn't even realize that, like they didn't even realize.
17:38.37
loriejones7
Uh huh.
17:42.32
Vanessa Cardenas
Now, did we need to hire another person to kind of take on some work? Yeah, we we did. And they just sort of real They saw it as their growth. They're growing, so we need more people. They didn't recognize that somebody, me, was doing a lot of this extra work and now that work wasn't being done. Oh, you know, there's so much more work. We're growing and taking it on. So yes, ah another person had to be hired to take on that overflow. But it it was so refreshing to me.
18:23.48
Vanessa Cardenas
because it gave me an opportunity to actually focus on me.
18:27.58
loriejones7
but And that's so important. I think that as women, a lot of times in business and in these high powered roles, we do give and give and give. It's it's somewhat in our nature, somewhat we we've been taught, somewhat advice that we've been given, and we do.
18:42.29
loriejones7
We give and give and give. And and number one, I've noticed we don't toot our own hor horn, so to speak. So they probably don't even notice that we're doing these things. And number two, we wear ourselves out. So I think so important to, like you said, listen to that voice, that voice that says, didn don't, you're headed for burnout. Don't do this.
19:08.42
Vanessa Cardenas
Absolutely. Absolutely. It's so critical to to listen to your intuition, to listen to your gut, and to listen to your cheerleader. Because we we all have an inner critic. We do. We just have to tame her down when she gets a little loud. And sometimes we need to morph her into our biggest cheerleader and remind us who we actually are. Because yes, as women, especially in the workforce,
19:36.33
Vanessa Cardenas
We become everything to every everyone, and not for nothing. Our cape gets really dirty, really fast, because we want to prove that we are worthy of being where we are. And I had that as well. I was in the C-suite. I was the first non-family member in the C-suite. I took that role very seriously.
20:00.10
Vanessa Cardenas
And I wanted to hang on to it for as long as I can. And I wanted to prove that I'm worthy to be in that place.
20:06.40
loriejones7
Thank you.
20:08.89
Vanessa Cardenas
Well, years later, a mentor of mine said, well, I don't think they would have put you there had you not been worthy. And that was a very eye-opening statement for me.
20:22.64
Vanessa Cardenas
Yeah, it wasn't a trial run. It wasn't a situation where I was on probation and just, let's see how she does. No, i was I was appropriate.
20:34.37
Vanessa Cardenas
I was very appropriate and I was worthy, but I didn't see that.
20:37.52
loriejones7
Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes that's the hardest thing is for us to see that we are enough. I, I was interviewing someone else and she's like enough, you are enough. And I'm like, if we could just broadcast that message and internalize it, um, throughout you are enough. And so stop trying to prove that you're enough because you are, you're enough the way you are, what you're doing today. What about,
21:07.47
loriejones7
regrets. Do you have something that you look back on? And maybe it isn't a regret. Maybe it's just, ah I would do this differently, but something that you look back on and go, Oh my gosh, if I knew now what I know, if I knew then what I know now, I would definitely have changed the way I dealt with that situation.
21:25.96
Vanessa Cardenas
Yes, but it's it's a big situation for me. um And I wish I'd handled it differently, but it was based on the way I grew up, the drilling into me that you respect your elders, that they have the wisdom that you need regardless of who they are. And for a long time, I had a boss that was so critical of me and very passive aggressive.
21:55.68
Vanessa Cardenas
And i I took it almost every single day and I would come home in tears to my husband. I'm like, whoaa ah I can't seem to do anything right. She's just always on me and and just critical comments and really, she shut me down. She really shut me down. I got very quiet. I kept my head down, did my work, kept my head down, kept did my work.
22:24.25
Vanessa Cardenas
and She silenced me. She truly did. She wanted me to speak. So, and anybody.
22:34.47
Vanessa Cardenas
She always wanted me to speak, but then she was so critical of how I did things afterwards. We would have this whole 20-minute powwow afterwards where she would pretty much rip me to shreds.
22:46.34
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
22:47.76
Vanessa Cardenas
And then it got to the point where I stopped doing any kind of presentations. I didn't want to do it because I didn't think I was good at it.
22:57.06
Vanessa Cardenas
What I didn't realize, and it took me a long time, it took me too long to realize it, was that it was her own insecurities that she was projecting on me. And I didn't see it. I didn't see it at all. I looked to her based on her position and who she was within the family and the fact that she was elder than me and her all her degrees.
23:24.66
Vanessa Cardenas
She had so many acronyms behind her name. And I just looked to her as if she was my mentor.
23:31.32
loriejones7
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
23:32.83
Vanessa Cardenas
And everything she said to me, I took to heart and I took it in and I just, I did not realize that she was projecting her own insecurities onto me.
23:46.06
Vanessa Cardenas
And once I made that revelation and I stepped into who I was, um yeah, it's been a drastic change. I love to speak. I love to write. I love to create.
24:05.36
Vanessa Cardenas
all these things that were squashed for so long because I paid attention to the wrong person. And that's my biggest regret is that I did that.
24:12.81
loriejones7
a
24:16.87
Vanessa Cardenas
However, sometimes our biggest regrets are our biggest lessons because it was a very powerful lesson to me, specifically not to just listen to one person.
24:31.71
Vanessa Cardenas
that you actually need a circle around you.
24:31.66
loriejones7
Yeah.
24:34.07
Vanessa Cardenas
You need a circle of those that support you, that encourage you, that speak so highly of you when you're not in the room.
24:45.50
loriejones7
Yes.
24:46.89
Vanessa Cardenas
And i i I only had one person, and this one person just beat me down.
24:53.11
loriejones7
Yeah.
24:54.57
Vanessa Cardenas
And it was, yeah, it was very eye-opening, a very hard lesson to learn. And now in my position, I am able to advise people, I'm not the be all end all.
25:07.58
Vanessa Cardenas
I am absolutely not.
25:07.72
loriejones7
and
25:09.72
Vanessa Cardenas
However, I have a lot of wisdom and I will share the wisdom with you, but you take what you can use and you toss the rest. If it doesn't feel right to you, if it makes you feel icky, and then don't do it.
25:22.99
Vanessa Cardenas
That's the bottom line.
25:22.81
loriejones7
walk
25:24.34
Vanessa Cardenas
But yeah, so sometimes your biggest regret becomes your biggest lesson.
25:28.99
loriejones7
Yeah, I found that in my life as well that that sometimes those are learning experiences, not particularly the way I'd like to learn the lesson. Like it would be so much nicer if someone could just tell me and I could internalize it in that way. But sometimes you just have to go through it to know. And I was going to ask, how did you, um you know, you were so young, how did you learn not to listen to that voice that was so critical? And you and you answered the question before I even asked it. And that's how have a tribe, you know, have a have a a couple of people so that you're not getting just one point of view. I think that goes to for like positive points of view, like you want people to tell you positive things, but you also want the people that can say, hey, you know, this is a place you can work on, you know, and in that constructive feedback sort of way that helps you grow and get better.
26:27.79
Vanessa Cardenas
and that the person that you're talking to wants you to grow and get better. they want They want to see the ride. They want to enjoy the ride. They want to be in the back seat as you're going 55 miles on on the highway. For me, I have a fast car, so I tend to go probably closer to 85. You need to wear a seatbelt when you when you're in my journey. But with that being said, you want those around you that just elevate you and that just give you that boost. And at the same time, let you know when, hey, yeah you might want to consider doing this just a little different. Here's the experience that I had. Let's try it. Let's see it. How does it feel for you? So forth and so on that they have your best interest at heart, not their own best interest. And that's really hard in a work setting.
27:22.18
Vanessa Cardenas
because we spend a lot of time at work with colleagues. Sometimes we spend more time with them than we do with our own families. And sometimes we can get a little comfortable. And we still need to recommend, we still need to recognize that we are in a professional setting. So you want to be careful with the, for lack of a better word, the bitching.
27:51.50
loriejones7
yeah.
27:51.85
Vanessa Cardenas
Because you never know who you're talking to, who's overlisten you know who's who's over over-listening, Boy, I'm all tongue-tied. You know that I'm not AI because I'm all tongue-tied. But yes, you don't know who's overhearing the conversation, and you don't know the advice that you're getting from a colleague, whether it's in your best interest or in their best interest.
28:16.80
Vanessa Cardenas
So you want to be careful with that. So as I said, and as you have so eloquently put as well, you do need a tribe. You need a tribe around you and that tribe ebbs and flows. People come in, people come out, people come back in, so forth and so on. And you want to do the same for them.
28:36.71
Vanessa Cardenas
So you want to make sure that your tribe is filled with people that you're going to do the same thing for, that you're going to elevate, that you're going to remind them of certain situations and certain things to elevate them for their best interest, not your own best interest.
28:43.09
loriejones7
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
28:57.99
loriejones7
I think that's really important for leaders to to remember. It's one of the premises of our team here. we I always say I don't care about, you know, I'll use Sky, Sky the employee.
29:11.55
loriejones7
I care about Sky the person. And I want Sky's life to be great and and go forward. in it And I am praying and hoping and wishing and doing everything I can to make sure that's here with Fidelis.
29:24.83
loriejones7
But if it's not,
29:25.81
Vanessa Cardenas
um
29:26.63
loriejones7
you are the most important part of this whole equation. And and you're right, that doesn't, and in general, that really isn't a part of the the professional world.
29:29.84
Vanessa Cardenas
Right.
29:36.39
loriejones7
and And I think it's important to to have take that responsibility and know that you You are the driver of your own future. I love that.
29:46.30
Vanessa Cardenas
Some type of help.
29:46.41
loriejones7
Vanessa, what about if you could go back and you could talk to your 20 year old self or somewhere very early on in this journey? Is there a message you'd have for her or you when you were younger?
30:00.60
Vanessa Cardenas
Oh, absolutely. And it's the one I live by now. And I'm like, oh, this is such such a great motto for me. And I i stepped into it. And I was like, why haven't I had this my whole life? Because this this is it. This is the powerful stepping into it. um So here goes. Are you ready for it?
30:22.72
loriejones7
Yes, I'm excited.
30:25.27
Vanessa Cardenas
oh Live your life by your own design with purpose on purpose.
30:37.12
Vanessa Cardenas
That's it.
30:38.05
loriejones7
Yeah. Well, that's powerful though.
30:40.25
Vanessa Cardenas
yeah
30:40.10
loriejones7
That's not just it. Um, I was speaking with someone else and she called it a life by design. And I think that, you know, as you, as we, as we've talked and we've talked about different situations and in your life, and I've thought about different situations in my life, a lot of times you just fall into those situations.
30:57.00
loriejones7
And like you said, you would have kept doing that job. If he had said yes to that raise, you would still be there.
31:04.62
Vanessa Cardenas
Exactly.
31:04.75
loriejones7
You know, and, and that's not a life designed.
31:05.69
Vanessa Cardenas
Exactly.
31:08.71
loriejones7
That's a life fallen into or taken or lived, right?
31:14.87
Vanessa Cardenas
Absolutely. Extremely well said, yes. Absolutely. And I see the reverse ripple effect of that. Again, had had I gotten that raise, I wouldn't necessarily have developed my own company. And if I didn't develop my own company, I wouldn't be reaching the masses to let them know that they're not alone as they go through betrayal. I wouldn't have written my books, my books that sit on a shelf. not I don't want my book in the self in the um self-help section.
31:46.67
Vanessa Cardenas
I want my book in the let me help you section because that's what it is.
31:50.30
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
31:51.18
Vanessa Cardenas
Let me help you because yes, I know what it feels like to lay on that bedroom floor in that ugly crying position where the tears and the snot are all just mixed up because you're in so much pain and I wouldn't have had the opportunities to be able to speak on stage to hit that one person that needed to hear what i needed what I needed to say so that they could feel better.
32:16.86
Vanessa Cardenas
None of that, all those ripples wouldn't have happened had he given me that raise. And I think about that often, ah the reverse ripple effect, like going backwards in in a film.
32:22.93
loriejones7
and
32:30.31
Vanessa Cardenas
And I'm so grateful, I'm so grateful that he said that to me. Because my but the trajectory of my life completely changed. Just as when my husband said those three words to me, I've met someone.
32:44.45
Vanessa Cardenas
The trajectory of my life changed then, too. And it's been a great ride.
32:47.59
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
32:48.86
Vanessa Cardenas
It absolutely has been. Yes, it was very painful right at that moment. But beyond that, there's such beauty on the other side.
32:59.59
Vanessa Cardenas
And I'm so so grateful for where I am right at this moment.
33:06.68
loriejones7
I think that's important to remember too, when you're going through those moments, because when you're in the middle of that, it does not feel like you're going to be grateful ever for that experience. And as these young women, it it it's true in life and it's true in professional life as well.
33:25.19
loriejones7
um And it's hard separating the two sometimes. you know so So going through those devastating pieces, um if you if you can lift your head up just high enough, just long enough to say, what does future me learn from this situation? And how do I learn that quickly so I can get over it?
33:51.66
Vanessa Cardenas
We could absolutely take a pill and just fast forward so many, so many of us that when we're in so much pain, all we want to do is be Rip Van Winkle. We want to sleep for years and wake up and have everything be. Okay.
34:10.82
loriejones7
What scared you the most when you started your journey? When you started your career, what were you scared of? And are you still scared of that today?
34:19.87
Vanessa Cardenas
I was really scared of letting people down. I was really scared of letting people down. I was scared of letting my family down, especially my grandparents that immigrated to this country from Germany after the war, that I would let them down, that they wouldn't be proud of me for whatever capacity that I was in.
34:37.71
loriejones7
Mm.
34:40.38
Vanessa Cardenas
I was worried about letting my work colleagues down, that if I didn't pull my weight or I didn't do more than them, that I was letting them down in some respects. My friends, I i was just perpetually always worried about letting people down. That's completely different now. It's completely different now because I'm confident in my own skill set that i as long as I don't let myself down, I'm okay.
35:15.42
Vanessa Cardenas
I'm okay. I'm not, I'm not as concerned with other people's expectations of me.
35:18.74
loriejones7
Mmhmm.
35:22.19
Vanessa Cardenas
I have shed all those layers of expectation from others. The only person's expectation that I care about is my own.
35:34.36
Vanessa Cardenas
That's it. That's absolutely it. And I'm again, you have to wade through, you know, 40 yards of crap to get to the other side like in Shawshank Redemption and get through and get to the other side and just see that beach, see that boat, see that glorious, have the sun kiss your skin and know that you made it through.
36:03.37
loriejones7
I think it's important that you, you know, you talked about your own expectations of yourself and you have to be kind to yourself too. Like my expectations of myself can sometimes get overwhelming because I actually expect way more than other people do out of me.
36:22.55
loriejones7
And, and I think that you have to, you you have to
36:22.96
Vanessa Cardenas
and
36:26.83
loriejones7
maybe maybe see how far you've come or look at what you've done um and and make sure that you're not your harshest critic in that in that expectation piece.
36:38.35
Vanessa Cardenas
Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I guess for me, it's because I plan. I plan. I have a week plan. I have a month plan. I have a year plan. I have a three year plan and a five year plan.
36:51.01
Vanessa Cardenas
And that's it. And if I get everything done for the week plan by Wednesday, then my Thursday and Friday are free. They just are. Then that becomes a non-negotiable for, ding d ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, self-care. And whatever self-care it is, I know that self-care sometimes gets a really bad rap. But my self-care is I love to get wrapped up in a book. I do, just like you. Reader, I love to get wrapped up in a book. And I have stacks of books.
37:19.88
Vanessa Cardenas
and I'll pick one up and I'll i'll sit in the chair and I'll just get lost in it. I love it. I absolutely love it. It's not that I take on more. My expectation is to properly plan. And if, and if the example that I used, I get everything done by Wednesday, great. But let's say for example, that I don't get things done. Well,
37:42.99
Vanessa Cardenas
It gets added to the following week and everything else gets pushed. And it just does. I've made that acceptance for myself and it allows me to properly plan for the following week, knowing how long things are actually going to take. And for me, I built into my schedule pockets of time.
38:07.52
Vanessa Cardenas
for stillness, for nothing. Nothing's on my calendar at that moment. So if something runs over, I'm okay. And if nothing runs over, I suddenly have 20 minutes to myself. Oh my gosh, what am I gonna do with those 20 minutes?
38:22.55
loriejones7
I love that idea of building in stillness time. I think that is amazing because there is a sense of like creativity and centeredness and kind of just being, thinking. like That's how i I come up with some of my best ideas is when I'm just when i'm not day-to-day trying to get through my task list, but I have time just to sit and think and be. So I like that idea of stillness time. I'm not good at it. Oh, Vanessa, you probably will have to tell me how to do that.
38:52.42
Vanessa Cardenas
Do you want a technique?
38:54.17
loriejones7
Yes, yes. Oh, yes.
38:57.58
Vanessa Cardenas
Sometimes our best ideas are in the shower.
39:02.66
Vanessa Cardenas
Because we don't have any distractions.
39:02.66
loriejones7
Okay.
39:04.82
Vanessa Cardenas
We have no distractions. We are focused on that water, on that soap, on that shampoo. And it allows our mind to wander.
39:15.89
Vanessa Cardenas
And we just need to get into the shower and go, OK, I'm not going to think about my to-do list. I'm going to. I'm just gonna breathe and I'm just gonna let the thoughts come in and out. And some of our best ideas are in the shower because we give our brain an opportunity to rest. That's why sometimes our best ideas are right the moment before we fall asleep. And what does it do? It jolts us awake and we're like, ooh, that's a really good idea. And then our brain just starts going from there.
39:50.58
loriejones7
Yeah, that's so funny because the idea for this podcast actually came in the shower. I was trying to figure out how I could help my team, um you know, grow in their career and what what help and advice and mentorship I could give them. And I was like,
40:05.40
loriejones7
I don't know while I could tell them, but I wonder if other people would be willing to share their stories. So I think that's hilarious that you said shower moment. Cause that, that is, that's actually, it's the only time I slow, I joke. It's the only time I slow down long enough to, to be open to thinking.
40:22.36
Vanessa Cardenas
So you already knew it. You just needed to be reminded of it. And sometimes that's all we need. We need to be reminded of what we already know.
40:34.53
loriejones7
What about unique challenges because you were a woman? Did you face any of those through your career journey?
40:40.90
Vanessa Cardenas
ah Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. It was challenging to be the only female in a group Yeah, the good old boys club, you know, again, I'm dating myself back in the eighties. Uh, you know, it was kind of customary for the men on Friday night, you know, normally a drink at a bar. Okay. One thing, but every once in a while they'd go to a strip club.
41:09.24
Vanessa Cardenas
That wasn't my thing. I wasn't going to go do that. I know that there are some powerful women that will, you know, no problem. They'll go just to be one of the guys. No, that's not me. So I was left out of a lot of things. And a lot of times I felt that that was purposely done because then I wasn't there. And yeah, kind of chattiness, the the type of good old boys club. Yeah, that was that was kind of hard. The other thing was the cattiness of some women.
41:38.80
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
41:39.94
Vanessa Cardenas
And that also was a very powerful lesson to me, not to be that way, to lift other women up.
41:46.44
loriejones7
Yeah.
41:50.42
Vanessa Cardenas
So for for example, and this is such a good example, when I was in a leadership role, we had a discussion about one employee that was arriving to work late, consistently late.
42:06.35
Vanessa Cardenas
And my colleague wanted to have the conversation with her. And he did. She left the office in tears.
42:18.63
Vanessa Cardenas
I then asked her to come into my office and I sat her down and I said, I know that Jim has had a conversation with you. I said, I'm going to have the same conversation with you, but it's going to be a little different.
42:31.67
Vanessa Cardenas
We've noticed that you've been arriving to work late. Is there something going on that we can help you with that would facilitate you being able to get to work on time?
42:43.89
Vanessa Cardenas
And she looked up from her tears and said, thank you so much for asking me. I'm having a hard time because my child's school bus picks up at a different time now. And now I have to race and I'm stuck behind the bus.
42:55.12
Vanessa Cardenas
And I'm so I'm so stressed out. And by the time I get here, I have to park a half a mile away because all the parking spots are already taken and whatnot.
43:01.50
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
43:02.75
Vanessa Cardenas
And I race to get here. I said, OK, what if we change your arrival time? By a half hour. and then tack it on at the end. So come in a half hour later, which would now be your standard time, and then you would stay. So now your hours shift from the 9 a.m. to 9.30. And then at the end of the day, instead of five, it would be 5.30. How would that work for you? Oh my God, that would be great. That would be great. I said, okay, consider it done.
43:35.53
Vanessa Cardenas
She was on time every single day from that day forward. Why? Because he treated her like a human. I asked her what's going on in her life. I didn't come down on her and say, listen, if you're late again, you're going to get fired.
43:45.06
loriejones7
Yeah.
43:49.67
Vanessa Cardenas
it Can't talk to people that way. You have to have a little bit of empathy and you have to know what's going on in their life and come up with a solution to that.
43:59.05
loriejones7
Yeah.
44:00.84
Vanessa Cardenas
So, yeah.
44:02.07
loriejones7
yeah so ah Yeah, I'm a big proponent. I love that idea. We're pretty flexible around here because I want Um, I want my employees, I want my team to have the experiences that, you know, that I got to enjoy of raising kids and, and being at their softball games and their soccer games and stuff like that. And, and this is life. Your work, you are working, but you need to make sure and take care of your life as well. I love the Vanessa that you had the.
44:35.12
loriejones7
the insight to kind of look and say, what is going on that I can help? How can I help?
44:44.97
loriejones7
What? Vanessa is the thing that you're most proud of.
44:54.28
Vanessa Cardenas
I am most proud of my fierceness.
44:59.20
Vanessa Cardenas
I know it's not, it's not yet it's cliche, my family, my husband, my kids, so forth and so on.
45:04.82
loriejones7
Lightroom.
45:05.68
Vanessa Cardenas
Yes, those those are all standard. It's my fierceness that I am most proud of. And it took a long time for that to emerge.
45:18.28
Vanessa Cardenas
And now that it's here, I love it. I absolutely love it. And it's not arrogance or anything of that nature. I love the fierceness. I love the confidence. And again, the confidence is an arrogance.
45:30.20
Vanessa Cardenas
It's confidence. I'm comfortable in my own skin.
45:34.65
loriejones7
Mm hmm.
45:34.93
Vanessa Cardenas
Took a long time to get me here. Took a long time and it took a lot of... But here I am. And as I said before, I love who I am.
45:45.53
Vanessa Cardenas
So it's definitely my fierceness. My ability, my resilience, that when I was broken, broken and shattered. I picked myself up. I picked myself up. And now, right at this moment, what I'm most proud of is what I do. And I actually get to help others.
46:11.05
Vanessa Cardenas
and And throughout my whole career, I've always helped others professionally and and personally, without a doubt. I was always the one, I was like Lucy from the Peanuts who had you know advice, two cents type of thing. And you know she would sit there with Charlie Brown and listen to his problems and whatnot. That was me. And I didn't realize that that was actually my gift. That my gift was my empathy, my ability to see patterns, to see things, to offer.
46:40.64
Vanessa Cardenas
tried and true, lived through advice. And now I get to do that, and I love it. I love chatting, absolutely, because I want everyone, male or female, but definitely females, to know that the possibilities are endless.
46:59.89
Vanessa Cardenas
And I recently discovered my high school yearbook.
46:59.78
loriejones7
ah
47:04.47
Vanessa Cardenas
And in my high school yearbook, we got to write a quote and everybody was quoting you know famous people and whatnot. I didn't quote anybody. My quote was, the possibilities.
47:18.07
Vanessa Cardenas
I was 18 years old when I wrote that. And I look at it now and I'm like, yes, absolutely. But from that point to this point, oh, there was so much in between. Absolutely. But I'm i so grateful. I'm so grateful for where I am right at this moment.
47:36.85
Vanessa Cardenas
And it's it is because of those that lifted me up, that lifted me up when I was down, that guided me in such a way and showed me who I was, who I am.
47:53.86
Vanessa Cardenas
and supported me through it because I developed that circle around me. Because in isolation, we really can't do anything. It it doesn't work that way. We need that tribe. We need that collective wisdom around us.
48:14.01
loriejones7
I love it. Yeah, I think I agree. I think that you just, you needger you need your tribe and you find them and you find those women and men that kind of lift you and help you grow and turn you into who you were always meant to become. I love that.
48:33.99
loriejones7
Um, any advice for young women who's just starting down this journey, you're already successful.
48:34.36
Vanessa Cardenas
and
48:39.29
loriejones7
You're already kind of at the end and you've become, what about those that are at the beginning and they're just becoming, what advice do you have for her?
48:43.12
Vanessa Cardenas
and
48:47.74
loriejones7
So to make her be able to succeed like you.
48:51.85
Vanessa Cardenas
It's absolutely the mentorship. I can't stress it enough. ah The mentorship align with people that you respect.
49:04.14
Vanessa Cardenas
in some respects that you want to be like, that you see them and they're willing, because that's another thing, you can find somebody that you're like, wow, I'd really like to learn from them. And they're not willing to teach you for whatever a variety of reasons, whatever those are. But you want to find those that just want to share and want to see you succeed. It's so exhilarating to have that. And regrettably for me, I didn't get that until much later in life.
49:36.66
Vanessa Cardenas
And so now my daughter, I'm all over her. And she takes the suggestions and she has her own group around her. And every once in a while, one of them will approach me and ask me a question. And I love it. I absolutely love it because I'm willing to give any type of information because I want to see that success. We as women, especially as women,
50:03.23
Vanessa Cardenas
We're at the pinnacle, we're at such a pinnacle moment in time to be able to make lasting change. We just need the courage to step into who we were meant to be and do it.
50:18.76
Vanessa Cardenas
Just do it. I hate to take the Nike slogan, but yes, just do it.
50:24.74
loriejones7
Yeah.
50:25.44
Vanessa Cardenas
And if you stumble, that's okay because your people around you will pick you up. They will, because they don't want to see you fail.
50:34.44
loriejones7
Yeah, I love that. I love that idea. I think that i think that as um women, I've found so much support and um growth and encouragement in all of those spaces, the the coaching spaces and the peer mentor spaces and things like that. And I think that um i I've seen women like you who are willing and not only willing, but actively engaged in growing the the next generation and and those around us of our own generation who want to just help. And and I love that there are so many of us out there. There's a whole tribe and I love that. So thank you, Vanessa, so much for spending some time with me and and just going through your story and sharing your experience. It's meant a lot. If I have listeners that want to get in touch with you and ask questions, how do they do that?
51:32.49
Vanessa Cardenas
Oh, beautiful question. I love it. Well, you can definitely find me my beautiful website that I am also ridiculously proud of because I built it from scratch.
51:43.18
Vanessa Cardenas
Yes, I did it all all on my own. So I'm curious for your audience to take a look at it and let me know what they think of it first of all. But if you want to reach out to me and I encourage you to do so, it's understandingear.com.
51:58.60
loriejones7
Perfect.
51:59.00
Vanessa Cardenas
And it, can I share where it came from?
52:01.47
loriejones7
Yeah, yeah.
52:03.80
Vanessa Cardenas
I'm a very big Stephen King fan. As you heard, I mentioned Shawshank Redemption. There's lots of other books from him that I enjoy. As we talked about getting curled up in those moments of silence and reading a good book, it's usually a Stephen King book as well. But he did a book a long time ago called Different Seasons. It was a short story book. And in it, one of the stories starts with a quote. And I've condensed it.
52:29.65
Vanessa Cardenas
The most important things to say are the hardest things to say, locked within, not for the want of a teller, but for the want of an understanding ear.
52:44.88
loriejones7
I love it. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
52:46.34
Vanessa Cardenas
um much
52:47.44
loriejones7
Thank you for sharing your experience. Thank you for sharing. um And I appreciate it.
52:54.10
Vanessa Cardenas
My honor, thank you so much for having me.